sábado, julio 01, 2006

EU forces have landed at Gaza beach

Breaking News: The European Union is taking part of the rescue of the Israeli soldier.

Gaza, July 1st, 2006

Javier Solanas, the European envoy for the Mideast has called for a press conference regarding the approximately fifty tanks, 80 APCs, 1500 troops and special operations units that have landed at the same Gaza beach spot where the Palestinian family was hit by a landmine a few weeks ago.

"We have grown tired of the dire quality of the IDF operations in Gaza, and since our objective is to bring peace to the Mideast, we have decided to be in charge of the rescue operations from now on", said a visibly agitated Solanas. "We know that our actions have puzzled both the Israelis and the Palestinians alike, but there is an urgent need for a resolute and well-planned military operation, and the Israelis know only how to bomb power stations from the air."

Solanas was asked by a journalist about reports of one of the APCs having hit another Palestinian-planted mine on the beach and the chaos that then ensued.

"Yes, it is true. One of our vehicles ran over a falling Israeli artillery shell, -sorry, it is the habit,- ran over a Palestinian mine and the French commander lost control of the Spanish and German soldiers, and they went on a small, and I repeat, small, very controlled, rampage on Beit Hanun".

Just a while ago our journalists on the spot filmed dozens of angry soldiers wearing the badge of the European Union United Peace Keeping Force, beating several Palestinian kids, demolishing houses with explosive charges (in one case a Palestinian woman ran outside the house just in time before the explosives were detonated), and there have been substantiated reports of rapes, executions and wide-scale plundering.

"Look" - said Solanas- "Our soldiers have been well-trained for any kind of scenarios, except fighting a war where 14 year old kids just lay mines in front of our soldiers and then ask for EU money to buy 'martyr posters' for their bedrooms. It is a completely new situation for us".

The Israeli army has retreated outside Gaza and it is said to be watching amusingly how the EU tanks try to operate inside the narrow Palestinian streets of Rafiah.

"Avi! look they have run over another Subaru!" shouted to another officer, Lt. Gadi Ezrah, an Israel tank commander who was watching on a screen the images provided by an Israeli drone that flew over the area, "I told you that those German tanks can't turn properly".

Ezrah had some moments to share with one of our journalists: "Shalom, well, yeah, they practically shoot everything that moves, and everything that is taller than the tank and lately everything that was not there before the 1947 UN partition resolution." commented Ezrah - "They take hostage rescue operations very seriously."

Indeed, as we watched the EU tanks were preparing the terrain for the deployment of the APCs. The tanks were creating a security zone one kilometer wide. Nothing except a few remaining houses on the horizon could be seen besides the rubble. "Snipers can be anywhere"- commented Major Jean Pierre Louvet, commander of the southern EU Company- "And the people just run from us instead of providing us with much-needed information. We shoot a few to make the rest of them stop, but to no avail, now I don't know what I am going to say to the General, there are like three hundred thousand people passing through Rafiah terminal. The Egyptians are mad at us for erasing the southern part of Gaza and provoking a new wave of Palestinian refugees into the Sinai, so the Quai D'Orsey had to threaten Cairo with nuclear retaliation if they say something at the UN. And the Israeli soldier is not even kept in the south," -the commander sighed. After a pause, he said: "but we can't put our men in unnecesary danger".

The EU soldiers were visibly frightened. As we spoke, once in a while some APC drove cautiously at the edge of the clear zone and as one soldier held the door open, another would quickly throw a grenade as far as he could -hitting a house or a car randomly- and then the vehicle would go back at mad speed towards where we were standing. Then the commander would open a metal box that he carried with him and award a medal for heroism to the two soldiers. A small band would play an appropiate motivating tune.

"We are waiting until they calm down a little to tell them that the Palestinians have returned Gilad Shalit safe and sound a while ago," said Lt. Ezrah, "and that the Hamas has said that they recognize the State of Israel, and that they want to live in peace with us, if only we make them stop".

"But they shoot everyone that comes near, so I guess we will wait until they run out of ammunition or something", added Ezrah.